An Anthology of Bad Watchmen Fanfiction
by Doobidoob
Summary: This is an example of the different kinds of Watchmen badfiction there is out there. For too long, people have raped my favourite characters, so now I'm parodying them just for the fun of it . My sister and I had fun writing this.
1. Luv at first sight of yur anus

One evening, Rorscach (who was really a red head called Walter Kovacs) was walking down a street in NEW YORK CITY with his hands in his pockets (werin his black and white inkp spot mask thingy). Rorschach normally walked the streets on his own- in fact, he lived most of his life alone. That was because he had an abusive mother who was a prostitute and an absent father and then he went into the care system, suffered there, gt a job as a tailor and further isolated himself from the world when he found a dress that used to belong to a woman that was murdered and he didnot like the fact that she died so he went onto joing da WACHTMEN 9BUT THEN HE FOUND AN BAD MAN WHO HAD KILLED A GURL SO HE KILLED HIM BACK(Authors' Note: just letting everyone know that I really was paying attention to the storyline of Watchmen and the audience far too stupid tounderstand the complexity of this character without my skiulfull writing!!11!!!11I don't need a beta, suckers!).

He had finished another internal monologue discussing how evil liberals and women are while unintentionally revealing to his audience (DATS U!!!!) that he was secretly very insecure about himself sexually and politically...................................then he realised he was heading towards his friend Dan's house (who is Nite Owl 2, who is one of THE WATCHMEN).

"Hurm- I am uncharacteristically aroused and wanting TEH HOT OWL SECKZ!"

{o,o} O RLY?!

-"-"-

Rorschach grunted, " I mean- I love him and want him.....to love.......forever....and ever....".

XXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX6666X

Dan (Nite Owl 2) was in his house reading a very boring book to do with his proffession or whatevrr (it's a boring book with NO PICTURS!!!11 THAT'S ALL YOU NEED TO KNOWW!!!) when and he suddenky thought to himself "I would really like me some dick because I am already sick of Laurie's vagina women and am strangely wantin some freaky HOBO SECKS!!!11!!1" said Dan in a tacky sexy voice like in those porno films I sooo don't watchg because I'm soooonut a slut, "I mean- I-have-alw-ways-loved=him-and-want-to-marry-him-and-raise-children-with-him" (AN: Rprschach is sucjh and grate father figur!).

Dan decided to rummage through his porno collection to see if he had hobo pron at his disposal, but soon realised that he already knew a hawt, GINGER READ HGEAD CARROT TOP HOmBo (AN: just making sure that I've established my prejudice against redheads by constantly reminding you of his RED HAIR!!!!)

THEN suddenmly rorschak wuz dere and they wemt 2 bed while nyt owlwl was masagig wallie (dat's his nickname to nyt owl). Rorshak said "Hurm, I luv you" and then Nit Oul said "OMG I lov u too!!""

WARNIN: MASSIV SECKS SEEN FOLOW, VIOWER EXECUTION ADVISEDED

They were going to monologue a bit more, bu they were too hawt for an ORANGEGASM (an: get it? RED HAIR!) by having GEY SECKZZ (IN THE BUTTWHOLE).

Rorchach put his penus into Dan and he got all gooey and sticky (boys get moist, right?).

"OHOHOHOH! Damnial!" SAID RORLOLOLSHOCK "That feels really good and I'm really GAY! I'm so gay and this acftuallyt happened in the comic behnd da scenes but it was CUT FOR AD SPACE!).

They movd lyk bunnehs on drugs amd then NytOwel got his boy parts and putted them in Rawrshacks mouth. Rorschak managed to answer the phone when it rang and it wuz LAUWRIE, so he told her he wuz fuckin her hawt boyfriend and she sed "Ok" and hung up. Then the frij opened. Rorshac jumped into the fridge. Dan new he wuz goin in fur beanz for use for lube. Then they wer al cpoverdd in beannz and the fone nring ed again and it was SILK SPECTRE, but NOT TEH YUNG ONE, TEH OLD GRAMA one. She was all like "WOW HOT" and they were all like "HELLZ YEAH!"

Then Mr Manhaton got involwed because he sensed irt with his magical psydkid prowars (bcus he's a big blue penis slut LAWL) and he sed that :Lolrie wuz a bich (LOL) and he used his masiv blue boys thiongie on them when he split himself in a million and it wuz like a freaky blue orgie.

Then they all had a piece of his BLUE PENIS thatroarshawk had his GUINGER PUBES ON. He was eating some sugar cubes while he was spiralling on the penus (like it was a buffalo in a rodeo). Then Dan, grama, blue penus man ans superman got their penuses inside Rorlshaw's VAGIMAwhich got all wet and he started to cry tears of tea, so eberyon got suger cubes to go with the tea, then the MAD Hater (JOHNY DEPPPPP HELL YAH!!" appeared and sed "LET the GAY SEX TEA ORGY BEGIN!" and everyon changed places bcus like in ALKice in Wunderland e and the Cheshire cat wuz a perBERT and he wached (STEBPEH FRY IZ A HOMO GAY PERV ifr you don't no hoo that iz then you are CLASSLESS and TALENTLESS and NOT VERY CELVEVR and a PREP).

Grama was rubbin her cblit and wuz aroused by Damniel, but worlshak got all protective and fuced her IN THE NOSETRIL!!!

Then everybody hated Rorshawk for ruining the love and being really territorial and a red head and a sociopath......

So the moral of the story is, you can turn anything into a masturbatory aid (even if it's a well respected piece of literature like Watchmen). DA ENGD!


	2. I'm Not Perfect Cuz I'm too Perfect, p1

**AN: so I actually got around to the next part of the anthology! Yay! I also feel compelled to add a health and safety warning on this, so WARNING: THE UTTER STUPIDITY AND HORRIBLE, BRAIN MELTING HORROR OF THESE STORIES CAN BE VERY DETRIMENTAL TO YOUR HEALTH SO BE CAREFUL AND TAKE A FIVE MINUTE BREAK LIKE THE WII TELLS US TO DO (DAMN WII! I'LL PLAY FOR AS LONG AS i LIKE, BITCH!). **

**Now on with this piece of trash.**

The wind blew through my golden, ankle-length hair and I gracefully strode down the street. Men swooned as I passed by them; their trousers petruding like tree trunks. I knew they were just pretending to have erections just to make me feel better about being so ugly. I walked by a mirror which revealed my horrible petit frame , milky white skin, piercing spectrum coloured eyes and my small 28 GG breasts. I was hideous! I was wearing a ball room gown that was sprinkled with the finest diamonds and emeralds with Egyptian silk ribbons all over; just my casual clothes. I hated my clothes because they always looked bad on me and everyone would stare and masturbate like I was some kind of deformed monster!

I sat on a bench in the park where I was about to have my lunch. I felt greedy for eating a fifth meal this month, but I had somewhere important to go. I was about to go all the way to New York to see my dying mother at hostpital. I was about to take a short walk from Maine to New York City. She was suffering from a very rare and serious disease called" Super AIDS Rabies". It ravaged away at her and destroyed her from the inside. She was diagnosed with it when I was 4 and since then, I had to care for her and be her mother. There were dark times when she would consider suicide and I'd have to calm her down and make her one of my famous chilli hot chocolates (which I created before other chefs plagiarised me). My mother also suffered from "Supernova-Bipolar-Personality-Disorder" and a number of times, she would get super violent and become her other personality; Darth Vader, who happened to suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. One time, when I was only two years old, when she was pregnant with my younger brother, she got all super violent and tried to kill us with a rusty chainsaw. I managed to heroically save us all from her and at one point, me and my foetal brother ran away from home. We came back for him to be born, of course.

Before I got up to leave, I noticed there was a fire in one of the skyscrapers. I sauntered in and found some children trapped there with a rabid dog and a pedophile. I grabbed them all and got them out of the building. When we got outside, I euthanized the dog and got the kids and the pedophile to a hospital where I healed them. I also gave the pedophile some counselling and referred him to a nice psychiatric hospital where, in a matter of weeks, he recovered from his sickness.

After that killed five minutes, I headed toward New York City.

*

I sat in the waiting room and killed time by making cures for various diseases. I thought it would be a nice gift to give to Dr Clonazepam after all he had done for my family. He ran up to me when he saw me and he embraced me, tightly.

"It's sooooo good to see you, Melanie!", he said with a big grin on his face and also trying to cheer me up with his boner "Your mother is making great progress! As soon as you entered the building, beams of holy light surrounded her body and removed all of the tumours! Why aren't you here more often?"

I blushed and said "Oh, I really wish I could, but I'm so busy these days. I'm currently tied up with all these responsibilities ...."

"- Oh, yes- of course! You're organising another Live Aid concert and trying to stop a war between Canada and Australia. That must be so hard!"

I rolled my eyes at him. This was only a small project. Nothing too big. Just something to calm me down before I head down to the USS Enterprise where many Hogwarts students and Vogons ended up for no reason.

"Anyway, shall we continue?" said Dr Clonzepam as he and I walked into the ward. My mother dropped all of her razor blades and cried a cry of joy (and orgasmic pleasure). Then, all of a sudden, her skin went on fire and she died!

My life couldn't get any worse.

*

I sat in Central Park feeling very down and kind of bummed out, but usually she comes back to life (I just don't know if she what will happen when she revives). Often, she'll come back with another disease or mental disorder. Last time, she relapsed and became agoraphobic again. In the corner of my eye, I saw something that blemished this beautiful park. It was a man. A man with ginger hair (though it looked darker because of the dirt). He wore disgusting, ragged clothing and had a deranged, angry, calculated look in his eyes.

I was so hawt for him.

I walked up to the guy.

"Hey, why are you sitting here alone, unhappy and in complete poverty, Walter" I said as I instinctively knew his name.

"Hurm", he responded "Women....they suck!"

"No we don't! There are all kind of great women like Marie Curie! I'm also kind of great as well, but just kind of"

"Wow, you're so amazing and insightful! I'm gonna give up all my established character traits to be an annoying Mary Sue like you! Lets have sex before we actually get to know each other"

And we did. He got out his penis and I got out my vagina and he inserted the penus into my vagina and he thrusted himself at me. After he put part A to part B, he went to part 2 of the big sex instruction book from IKEA and carefully caressed my spherical breasts.

Finally, I had something to make my day a little better. I had a tortured boyfriend......

TO BE CONTINUED IN ONE OF THE LATER CHAPTERS.....


End file.
